Sleepless in Istanbul

no sleep

Another night i lay awake

Trying everything

Rescue Remedy, Guided Meditation, Background sounds of rainfall, ocean, nature…

Counting backwards in English, Spanish, French, German, Turkish..

All the time my thoughts keep going back to the weeks of watching my father let go of this life.  Then the other thoughts of, “what if i had done this… “, “what if i had said that..” could i have changed the path of his existence?

Then comes the feelings of anger, not only at the unfairness of it all, but of the cruelty of wife he left behind and how unfair and unkind she is behaving to me.

It is like a when a child finds out that there is no tooth fairy…  Suddenly all of the beliefs i your life get questioned. If there is no tooth fairy, what about santa, the easter bunny, free lunches? Not only do we question those things we believed to be true, but then we question our parents – weren’t THEY the ones who told us that all these things exist and that we should believe in them. Did they LIE to us? What CAN we believe anymore…

Just like that.

Now i am in the same place again. What happened to the fairness of G-d and the Universe. What happened to being rewarded for doing good? What happened to the idea of building up good karma and paying it forward?

What if you do all this and more!  Then in the moment of your life to finally be free, to stop working, to enjoy your life, to finally live close to your only child and grow older and see your grandchildren and just relax after 30 years of saving lives and doing your best to help others and make the world a batter place… you just get cut down. stopped in your tracks. struck down. removed from this life. without even a chance to say goodbye.

I believed in a fairness. A reason for everything. A system of balances.

Yes, yes, i know there are innocents all the time being struck down and even poor little children not given a chance to live this life..  We are all aware of it.. but I (just like most of us unfortunately), never really understand or feel the magnitude of it all until it happens to you. Then you have to  learn how to live by the words that you so often say to everyone else..  There is a reason for everything and G-d understands better than we do..

Well, the words ring in my ears. But it doesn’t calm the pain in my heart.  Maybe it will take time. Maybe.

For now i do not understand. My illusions have been shattered and my heart is broken.

 

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To-Day

shattered heart

Here we are.. again.. Today..  To-Day…  To live again for To-Day.  To hope again for To-morrow.

I woke up and meditated, with thoughts wandering all over like a cat in traffic trying not get hit by the semi tractor trailers rushing by.

I answered emails there after and sent out some info about my retreat in Nepal to interested clients through social media. There popped up a video about babies looking overjoyed to see their daddy’s coming home..  Yeah, i watched it. Got half way through it and then was so overcome with pain and grief i stopped, hysterical crying on the couch.

Then i decided to try and find some modicum of positive energy in all of this. I sent it to my husband telling him that i look forward to the day when we one day get pregnant and i can see our baby light up with joy to see her/his daddy.

This weird cycle of our existence. I talk about it all the time in my sessions, the reason for our being.. to learn lessons, to transition from the physical, to remain for some time in the astral planes and then to come back and learn more..  dying and being reborn and again and again until the lessons are complete. Then from what i understand there is a whole new set of lessons we go through in the non physical form as well..  uff..

At first i could not understand how my heart kept beating in my chest. How was i still living? My dad was gone. I can’t touch him, talk to him, write him, text him, call him, hug him, kiss him, hold his hand in the parking lot, make him laugh, ride bikes, take walks, learn from him, sing with him, play guitars, celebrate holidays, listen to him tell me about his day, his last meet up, his hopes, his dreams, etc.. How the hell was i still here? How the hell was the Earth still turning and people still going to work, and laughing and doing things and LIVING? It broke my heart to see any of it. My world just ended, how could the rest go on?

How many times are we confronted with media about school shootings and natural disasters and wars and murders and so on and so on.. and we look at it like numbers or statistics or we have that moment of “empathy” or at least we feel something akin to it when we think of the tragedy and the horror of it all? However maybe all of this has just jaded us or maybe we have to get cold to it to survive, like the doctors in the ER who have to get used to not “saving them all”.  I don’t know.

I do know that you can’t un-know what you now know.

My heart aches with the pain of loss every minute of the day. My rosy tinted spectacles are now splattered with drops of blood and i CAN NEVER look at the world the same.

I MUST go on. Not because (to be honest) all of me wants to, but because this is our cycle. This is our destiny. This is the reason of our being. As much as i wanted to crawl into the coffin that night and let them close me in with him and just chase my dad up to the next phase of existence.. i didn’t. Because there are still people here who would hurt like i do if i did, because there is a reason why G-d has not taken me yet (and it is not for me to question G-d’s timing) and three, because my dad would not want it that way.

So i guess this message today is for all of you who are suffering under the weight of loss and wishing you could just chuck it all in the bin and chase your loved one to where ever they are.. even if you don’t feel like you know your purpose to stay, even if you don’t believe that anyone will care if you go, even if you don’t believe in G-d and the timing of our lives, at the very least ask yourself if the one you love would be so selfish as to wish you to end your life to be with them wherever they are now… i promise you, the answer will always be no.

So here is to TO-day. The next of many today’s that i hope for all of us will come. I hope that their passing if anything makes us take more risks, love harder, feel more, live more, do everything we say we are going to do.. so that when our day comes and we get to join those who have left us too soon, we can look back on the photo album of our life with them and say with pride, look.. i did that.

For now, let’s just get through the next day.  Stay with me here. I have to believe some day it will get easier. Maybe the sharpness will become a dull ache and maybe every once in a while there will be sharp pain again and again..  But the intensity can’t go on like this forever…  It can’t because NO ONE could survive it..   This i know.

Hold on. It will get better. I don’t know how. I just know it will.

D

https://dawn1973.wixsite.com/balancebliss

Life after Life

The angels

I have worked with them for so long and yet they have always been someone else’s angels

Now i sit and pray for my very own angel to come to me.. to take me by the hand and let me know he is well and happy

There are days to be honest i an sorry that i woke up again, not because i long for death, but because i was not in this reality. 

People who havent gone through loss cannot fully grok the magnitude of how it permiates your life. I sense the frustration of people who don’t understand why i keep thinking about or being reminded of.. but what they don’t understand is that i am thinking of my dad as often as i always did all my life, it is just that these moments are all now chased with the broken shards of loss that pierce my heart. Sometimes i hold back the tears and sometimes i can’t.

Today we visited a catholic church in the heart of Istanbul and i lit a candle for my dad and for all those who have transitioned. I keep wanting to be amgry at G-d…  However G-d for me is like a third parent for me, even when i dont understand or agree, it is a bond i cannot break. I feel as close to G-d whethere i am in a temple or synogogue or church or mosque. I believe that G-d comes to all of us in whatever voice is the most harmonious to the listener’s ear. All paths to me lead to the one common consciousness of the universe… There is all knowing, all love and all peace.

I hope my father is there now having all the secrets of the universe revealed to him. I know his brilliant mind is absorbing it all and adding to the IQ of our collective consciousness.

There are no words that i can write or day that can even come close to expressing how deeply i miss him. Every cell of my body, which he had a hand in creating, cries for his hugs today.

But tomorrow will be a new day.

And i will do my best to greet it with a smile.

Hope those of you who feel this way too can find the strength make a smile to greet a new day too.

love – Dawn

GRIEF

 

grief

How can one even begin to explain the depth of this word.

If feels like a bottomless pit..

They say only time can heal the pain

There is no real healing i believe, just a dulling.

Maybe we start to feel better when the nightmares stop, when the pleading with G-d ends, when the anger and the frustration and the visualization of your heart broken in a thousand pieces and scattered on the floor like so many pieces of a candy apple stops being in the forefront of your mind..

Maybe.

I know that all the years of work i have done for others as a medium can still not in anyway prepare me for the enormity of my pain.

Maybe writing in this blog about it will help me, will help others who feel alone or not understood in their feelings..  Maybe reading this will help those who don’t want to talk about it anymore, but want to know that there is someone else out there who understands and that it is normal to go through the process in whatever steps and ways they need too.

Maybe.

We’ll see how it all goes..

Sending you all love and light

And to all those we have lost

May you find your way home.

Who do i want to be?

Ever since i came to Turkey i am amazed to see how many people are ao concerned by what they think others think of them. From their clothes, to their car, to the way they think and speak. I am sure this is not only isolated to Turkey, but it has just become something that here, cannot go unnoticed. 

It makes me sad to see so many people living out fake lives through instagram, facebook, snapchat, etc. All trying to make themselves and their life look “better” than what they think they have. They crave “likes” and “followers” to validate themselves. They change their image to look the way they think people want to see them, stand in front of cars they don’t own, pretend to be out at the best clubs and restaurants, all to hope to spark jealousy in those around them. I know there has always been the “keeping up with the Jones'” philosophy, but at least they actually HAD a new car in the driveway.. Now it is whose fake life can beat whose fake life.

I just want to put this out there today if you are reading this.. please just be you. be the you who YOU want to be. Don’t pretend to be something you are not, bit strive to be your best self. True happiness is not found in these superficial practices, but in the joy of accomplishment, helping others, making the world better, learning, growing and having beautiful experiences that enrich our lives.

So please, put the phone down today. Eat your delicious meal without taking a pic to share with the world, don’t make a selfie today, don’t post pics, just be in the moment. Just enjoy your life. Remember who you ARE now and be proud of them. 

Today.. just be.