Sleepless in Istanbul

no sleep

Another night i lay awake

Trying everything

Rescue Remedy, Guided Meditation, Background sounds of rainfall, ocean, nature…

Counting backwards in English, Spanish, French, German, Turkish..

All the time my thoughts keep going back to the weeks of watching my father let go of this life.  Then the other thoughts of, “what if i had done this… “, “what if i had said that..” could i have changed the path of his existence?

Then comes the feelings of anger, not only at the unfairness of it all, but of the cruelty of wife he left behind and how unfair and unkind she is behaving to me.

It is like a when a child finds out that there is no tooth fairy…  Suddenly all of the beliefs i your life get questioned. If there is no tooth fairy, what about santa, the easter bunny, free lunches? Not only do we question those things we believed to be true, but then we question our parents – weren’t THEY the ones who told us that all these things exist and that we should believe in them. Did they LIE to us? What CAN we believe anymore…

Just like that.

Now i am in the same place again. What happened to the fairness of G-d and the Universe. What happened to being rewarded for doing good? What happened to the idea of building up good karma and paying it forward?

What if you do all this and more!  Then in the moment of your life to finally be free, to stop working, to enjoy your life, to finally live close to your only child and grow older and see your grandchildren and just relax after 30 years of saving lives and doing your best to help others and make the world a batter place… you just get cut down. stopped in your tracks. struck down. removed from this life. without even a chance to say goodbye.

I believed in a fairness. A reason for everything. A system of balances.

Yes, yes, i know there are innocents all the time being struck down and even poor little children not given a chance to live this life..  We are all aware of it.. but I (just like most of us unfortunately), never really understand or feel the magnitude of it all until it happens to you. Then you have to  learn how to live by the words that you so often say to everyone else..  There is a reason for everything and G-d understands better than we do..

Well, the words ring in my ears. But it doesn’t calm the pain in my heart.  Maybe it will take time. Maybe.

For now i do not understand. My illusions have been shattered and my heart is broken.

 

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