meant to be

So here we are.. how many years since we started this?

what was meant to be something inspirational

what was meant to be something powerful

what was meant to help others to gather strength and move forward even when faced with the hardships of life..

and here we are.. only words of sorrow and pain. Having no inspiration to write the words that i teach on a daily basis here. Somehow the words that i speak in my practice and to my clients are acceptable as they are my work and what i do to try and make the world a better place. Somehow though when my time is free, i only ever seem to find the words to pour out the grief of my heart.

Next month will be your birthday. it would have been your birthday. it should have been your birthday.

maybe anyone who is suffering the same pain can feel solace in knowing that they are not alone in their heartache. That we all have challenges to get through day to day even when our hearts are still only ducttaped and bandaged together.

still i have to believe the words that i teach to others. There is a reason, there is a purpose. There is something better that those who have transitioned from the physical get to experience that we here left in the physical still must suffer through. How our little human brains cannot truly fathom the depth of all of this and how we try to make sense of it all constantly shaking our fists to the heavens and crying out.. it just isnt fair!!!

And how quickly we will rebuke others with the same expression so haphazardly.. well you know, “life just isn’t fair”

Surely it isn’t and that is a fact. There is no magical formula for the amount of good that you do equaling your time on Earth or the amount of bad being your suffering here.. at least not in our lifetime and never in a way that we see it and can calculate it and accept it as a sensible rule. No. Instead we just try to do our best to align with the idea that there is a purpose and a greatness beyond what we can comprehend and that this part of the journey on earth is just a part of the journey and that we must learn to let go and accept the impermanence of everything.

but i dont know that we ever will

only when the poems stop asking will you love me forever, when the songs stop singing we will never part and when the lovers stop making vows of eternity… then i believe we will have accepted our fate. Until then, we must all band together, somehow trying to pick each other up and brush each other off, to dry the tears that roll down our cheeks and to find consolation in our unity.

what ever was meant to be, seldom ever is.

so let’s just be here in this moment.. now.. because it is all we ever have.

I miss..

..so much

As i sit here with the sound of the rain falling softly in the background, i smell the incense burning and i watch the candle flickering in the breeze, the blue hue of the christmas lights bathes the balcony and i hear the soft ticking sound of the keys below my finger tips as i type this out black and white on my screen.

Still with all this beauty and peace around me, i miss so much..

i want to share with you my words, my thoughts, my laughter, my heartache, my songs, my recipes, my hopes, my wishes, my regrets, my joy, my sorrow, my love, my hugs, my memories…

just 5 more min with you..

just to tell you how much i love you, to tell you i am sorry, to tell you i am proud of you, to tell you how much you mean to me, to tell you how grateful i am to you, to tell you how much i miss you, to tell you how every day i think of you and hold you in my heart…

and still all of that would be nothing if i couldn’t just see your eyes, your smile, hear you tell me you love me, feel you hug me one more time, just to drink a cup of tea you made with your hands for me.. any one little moment i could have.. even just one minute.. 60 whole seconds to see you before me and to know that you love me and to feel it for eternity…

there will never ever ever be a day when i dont miss you.

i love you daddy.

i always will.

happiness

you elusive little thing

can’t hold you in my hand or you will fly away

can’t keep you in a box, you always break free

tried to nail you to the wall, but you dripped like jelly

 

maybe one day you will come back to me – you can build a home in my heart – from beginning to end – never will we part

 

until then i will keep trying to keep you around

to extend your visit for more than a day

to be my constant companion – as close as my breath

please tell me you’ll find me before my own death