I miss..

..so much

As i sit here with the sound of the rain falling softly in the background, i smell the incense burning and i watch the candle flickering in the breeze, the blue hue of the christmas lights bathes the balcony and i hear the soft ticking sound of the keys below my finger tips as i type this out black and white on my screen.

Still with all this beauty and peace around me, i miss so much..

i want to share with you my words, my thoughts, my laughter, my heartache, my songs, my recipes, my hopes, my wishes, my regrets, my joy, my sorrow, my love, my hugs, my memories…

just 5 more min with you..

just to tell you how much i love you, to tell you i am sorry, to tell you i am proud of you, to tell you how much you mean to me, to tell you how grateful i am to you, to tell you how much i miss you, to tell you how every day i think of you and hold you in my heart…

and still all of that would be nothing if i couldn’t just see your eyes, your smile, hear you tell me you love me, feel you hug me one more time, just to drink a cup of tea you made with your hands for me.. any one little moment i could have.. even just one minute.. 60 whole seconds to see you before me and to know that you love me and to feel it for eternity…

there will never ever ever be a day when i dont miss you.

i love you daddy.

i always will.

To-Day

Here we are.. again.. Today..  To-Day…  To live again for To-Day.  To hope again for To-morrow.

I woke up and meditated, with thoughts wandering all over like a cat in traffic trying not get hit by the semi tractor trailers rushing by.

I answered emails there after and sent out some info about my retreat in Nepal to interested clients through social media. There popped up a video about babies looking overjoyed to see their daddy’s coming home..  Yeah, i watched it. Got half way through it and then was so overcome with pain and grief i stopped, hysterical crying on the couch.

Then i decided to try and find some modicum of positive energy in all of this. I sent it to my husband telling him that i look forward to the day when we one day get pregnant and i can see our baby light up with joy to see her/his daddy.

This weird cycle of our existence. I talk about it all the time in my sessions, the reason for our being.. to learn lessons, to transition from the physical, to remain for some time in the astral planes and then to come back and learn more..  dying and being reborn and again and again until the lessons are complete. Then from what i understand there is a whole new set of lessons we go through in the non physical form as well..  uff..

At first i could not understand how my heart kept beating in my chest. How was i still living? My dad was gone. I can’t touch him, talk to him, write him, text him, call him, hug him, kiss him, hold his hand in the parking lot, make him laugh, ride bikes, take walks, learn from him, sing with him, play guitars, celebrate holidays, listen to him tell me about his day, his last meet up, his hopes, his dreams, etc.. How the hell was i still here? How the hell was the Earth still turning and people still going to work, and laughing and doing things and LIVING? It broke my heart to see any of it. My world just ended, how could the rest go on?

How many times are we confronted with media about school shootings and natural disasters and wars and murders and so on and so on.. and we look at it like numbers or statistics or we have that moment of “empathy” or at least we feel something akin to it when we think of the tragedy and the horror of it all? However maybe all of this has just jaded us or maybe we have to get cold to it to survive, like the doctors in the ER who have to get used to not “saving them all”.  I don’t know.

I do know that you can’t un-know what you now know.

My heart aches with the pain of loss every minute of the day. My rosy tinted spectacles are now splattered with drops of blood and i CAN NEVER look at the world the same.

I MUST go on. Not because (to be honest) all of me wants to, but because this is our cycle. This is our destiny. This is the reason of our being. As much as i wanted to crawl into the coffin that night and let them close me in with him and just chase my dad up to the next phase of existence.. i didn’t. Because there are still people here who would hurt like i do if i did, because there is a reason why G-d has not taken me yet (and it is not for me to question G-d’s timing) and three, because my dad would not want it that way.

So i guess this message today is for all of you who are suffering under the weight of loss and wishing you could just chuck it all in the bin and chase your loved one to where ever they are.. even if you don’t feel like you know your purpose to stay, even if you don’t believe that anyone will care if you go, even if you don’t believe in G-d and the timing of our lives, at the very least ask yourself if the one you love would be so selfish as to wish you to end your life to be with them wherever they are now… i promise you, the answer will always be no.

So here is to TO-day. The next of many today’s that i hope for all of us will come. I hope that their passing if anything makes us take more risks, love harder, feel more, live more, do everything we say we are going to do.. so that when our day comes and we get to join those who have left us too soon, we can look back on the photo album of our life with them and say with pride, look.. i did that.

For now, let’s just get through the next day.  Stay with me here. I have to believe some day it will get easier. Maybe the sharpness will become a dull ache and maybe every once in a while there will be sharp pain again and again..  But the intensity can’t go on like this forever…  It can’t because NO ONE could survive it..   This i know.

Hold on. It will get better. I don’t know how. I just know it will.

D

https://dawn1973.wixsite.com/balancebliss

GRIEF

 

How can one even begin to explain the depth of this word.

If feels like a bottomless pit..

They say only time can heal the pain

There is no real healing i believe, just a dulling.

Maybe we start to feel better when the nightmares stop, when the pleading with G-d ends, when the anger and the frustration and the visualization of your heart broken in a thousand pieces and scattered on the floor like so many pieces of a candy apple stops being in the forefront of your mind..

Maybe.

I know that all the years of work i have done for others as a medium can still not in anyway prepare me for the enormity of my pain.

Maybe writing in this blog about it will help me, will help others who feel alone or not understood in their feelings..  Maybe reading this will help those who don’t want to talk about it anymore, but want to know that there is someone else out there who understands and that it is normal to go through the process in whatever steps and ways they need too.

Maybe.

We’ll see how it all goes..

Sending you all love and light

And to all those we have lost

May you find your way home.